I’m Sorry to the Person I Almost Lost

I’m sorry I tried to rid this world of such a beautiful soul. I tried to be strong but I was all alone in my head. I felt so low and no one knew. Yet, I held my head high even as I lost myself. I broke down so many times, but every time I had a fake smile to hide the pain. I hid behind a lie as things got tough. I cried so many tears and forced myself to believe that I was okay.

I’m sorry I can’t go back because if I could, I’d change it all. I’d catch myself before I started to fall. Rid myself of all the pain and stop myself from hiding away. I’d wipe my tears and say that I was not okay.

You saw me smiling like nothing was ever wrong. I hid behind a lot, scared to lose it all. You wonder how I could stay so strong but I didn’t really have a choice. If you looked into my eyes, you’d see the tears I was holding back. You could see me bite my lip as I held in all the words I actually wanted to say. I know I’m strong because I refuse to let this take over my life. I know I’m a fighter but even the strongest warriors fall eventually.

The pain, the fear, the thought that slowly eats away in your mind until it takes over your whole body. I felt a tear coming on and as that single tear fell down my face; all I could think to do was run from everything. They asked what’s wrong but I insisted that everything was fine, while these thoughts raced through my mind at a thousand miles per hour all perfectly hidden by that innocent smile.

Sometimes these feeling won’t be ignored and the tears come pouring out. Suddenly, I felt helpless in time. Like I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t stop the tears, I couldn’t remember the person I used to be. But I wiped the tears and walked out with that innocent smile like nothing ever happened.

I carried on every day being taken down by the same demons. Mentally lacking the strength to fight back and physically lacking the knowledge of why I even had to go through this. Walking around everywhere with a smile. Sometimes it was real but a lot of the times it wasn’t. I continued every day as my normal self, just trying to not let the anxiety out as it built up more and more each minute. I sat there feeling helpless in time as if my life was constantly on the line. But I just sat there perfectly calm as I fell apart more and more yet I kept hiding all the pain with that innocent smile.

I’m sorry that I almost let this take me down. I used to be sorry that I was saved; now I’m sorry that I ever believed that this world would be better without me. If I could go back I’d forget all those tears I cried and try to be everything that I lost when I lost myself. I wish I could turn back time and relive the life I almost missed and genuinely smile like I had nothing to fear.

 

2 thoughts on “I’m Sorry to the Person I Almost Lost

  1. I’m grateful that you didn’t rid the world of yourself. As someone who has at times struggled with my own mental health, I am extremely grateful that you are using your voice to help break stigmas with mental health.

    Like

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